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by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Gen, Suicide Attempt, i just want to feel better, why am i like this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 12:17:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21136583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: #11





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**Author's Note:**

> idk if it's actually eleven yet? i dont care either.
> 
> WARNING: mentions of suicide

So, in my last work (#10 I think), I said goodbye. I planned on that being my last post here. A few hours after I posted it and orphaned it, I kicked off my plan.

My plan was only created in four days, but it would've went so well. I did everything right! Except the actually killing myself part. I failed that bit. I was just a hair from doing it, then I just started crying. I called the suicide hotline. I yelled at the boy on the other end for taking so long to answer. Then we talked, for about an hour. I told him everything, then we hung up and went our ways.

I walked around the park track for about another hour. Then I threw away my notes addressing all those in my life. And I walked home through the ditch. I got back home, to my backyard. Tried the door, it was locked. I locked myself out! That's so stupid. I'm stupid. 

So, I was just going to camp outside. And I did, for a hot minute. Then, I guess it just caught up to me. What I almost did. I started sobbing, my chest tightened, my breath was fast, and I got up to pace. And pace. And pace...

I was getting antsy, being all alone. I starting banging on the doors. Calling on the phone. Nobody came. Nobody answered.

But, I knew my aunt had nightshifts at her workplace. So, finally, I could have someone to be with. She answered. Asked who it was on the phone. I said it was me, and I guess my voice was wobbling, because she asked what was wrong. I stood frozen. My throat tightened up. But then I managed to sob out, "I tried to kill myself."

She rode all the way across town to come get me. She took emergency leave off work. She brought me to her house. My cousin came running out of the house, crying, and hugged me. We walked in, and my other cousin hugged me. He told me I wasn't allowed to leave them. We had a very early breakfast. I felt so, warm. They understood, and they cared. It was nice.

Nice things don't last, though. I would have to face the consequences eventually. My aunt drove me back to my house. The sun had finally come up. We knocked on the door. Nothing, so we rung the doorbell. My grandmother opened the door. Her face was so confused. She seemed flustered. My aunt led my grandmother to the dining room. They sent me away so they could talk alone.

They started arguing, yelling. I went in and sat down with them. My grandfather came downstairs. They all starting talking. My grandmother took out her phone, and played the voicemails I left her. It was humiliating. Hearing myself sob into the phone. Everybody in the dining room was looking at me. I put my head down, and started to cry once more.

Both of my grandparents sent my aunt out of the house. That's the last I heard of her. I'm no longer allowed to speak to them. My grandparents started grilling me about my password to my phone. I faced away from them and didn't answer. It kept going, and going, and going. They started threatening me with punishments. I finally told them. They looked through my phone. I layed down and slept.

When I woke up, they told me we were going to the ER. I asked why. They told me my doctor wanted me to go there. So, we drove to the hospital. I got a bed. and waited 13 hours to accepted into a mental facility. During the wait they told me how I wasn't allowed to talk to my aunt or cousins. They also said how I couldn't be friends with the group we had. The friends I've had for six years. They deleted them from my phone. They expected me to just let them go? They didn't want me to be friends with them because their a "bad influence" and that they're lesbians. I just fell back asleep, crying on my hospital bed. When I woke up again, they told me the pastor would be visiting soon.

My pastor is understanding, and not judging. So, I was civil with him. But I couldn't stand my grandparents at the time.

Finally, I was put into an ambulance. They took me to the mental facility. My grandparents signed me up.  
I was questioned regularly. I accidentally broke rules. I made "friends". 

I had a room to myself, but then one of the girls was moved to my room, to make room for another girl who was supposed to arrive. The first night we didn't talk. We just kept to ourselves.  
The next day though, when we were making our beds, I muttered a few words to her. Then at naptime, we just started talking. We became quick friends. She told me my hair was pretty, and my teeth were nice. It was nice to hear those words. It boosted me up some.

At gym, is the only time the girls even get to look at the boys. All other times were separated. I don't know any sports. So, I didn't participate at all. But, I mean, there's two-three hours of gym. It gets boring quick, when you're doing nothing. I just spent most of my time walking laps around the gym whilst dribbling a ball. But then this one dude is just sitting there, says, "You okay?" I nod, then ask why he started talking to me. He just shrugged. I kept doing laps.

Next day at gym, he says, "Hi friend." and starts walking with me. We became friends.  
But that's the thing. They say, right when you're getting signed in, "to only make temporary friends". And then they tell stories of how some patients give out personal info. And then those patients get stalked, threatened, and other things. So, no. I couldn't just replace the friends I had for six years.

I was released. Given anti-depressants, and insomnia pills. I went home. Everything went back to normal. It was kinda upsetting to me, I wanted change. I was tired of the same old. I wanted more reaction to my almost-death. I was just put back into my routine. 

I'm still in my routine right now. Can't talk to my aunt or cousins. Can't talk to my friends. Can only talk to my therapist. And take my pills. But, I still feel...  
Bad. I still feel bad! Bad enough, that yesterday, I cut myself again. Deeper than usual. I just want to change. Something needs to change.

I have a physical tomorrow. Of course. My doctor's going to see my cuts. I'm going to be back right where I don't want to be. I'm trapped, cornered. I don't know what to do!

What is there to do?


End file.
